Here was my presentation:

December 2014 my heart stopped for 10 seconds. My dad watched on a heart rate monitor, while my mom witnessed the whole hospital floor rush into my room, called in by the code blue.

The next month I experienced what someone on a Ted Talk called “Traumatic Growth.”

I had almost died, and then actually wanted to die, but suddenly, like a light switch, I wanted to live more than I ever had.

And I was suddenly thinking very hard, listening to people very closely, and understanding the world more than ever. For the first time in my life, my mind felt clear.

That’s when I painted the first piece, shown above. It’s called Failure.

It symbolizes the beauty that is produced after things like failure, trauma, fire burning down an entire city. I’m very inspired by the Chicago fire. I believe that without it, skyscrapers would not exist.

So in my piece, Failure, the bottom portion is fairly bland. That is when a creative concept, a city, a plan, a life, or really just about anything first begins. Then it all goes up in flames. There is a moment where the paint completely stops. Then it starts again. And it’s more beautiful than it ever could have been before the fire happened.

“Traumatic growth” supposedly only lasts a short while after the event. Then life proceeds as normal. Which was the case with me.

Cut to last fall, and I’m back in what feels like traumatic growth again, except this time it’s just being a recently diagnosed person with adhd on adderall for the first time.

I started diving back into this “Failure” concept because I wanted to know how to stay at the top, in the “growth” portion (without medication or trauma).

And I think I’ve figured it out. Maybe. So I want to share it with you.

When I went on adderall, I believed that I could finally read the bible and listen to sermons and actually pay attention, for the first time in my life.

I started doing both a lot. And I was listening differently than before. Then in February, I was introduced to a Meena Matocha (CIVA member) piece, through one of Holy Cross’ Feast Services. The piece was titled, I Wish I Had Know You, I Wish You Had Known Me. The eyes in the image called to me. And so I began reading the bible with only the purpose to really get to know God as a person.

I began wondering why I couldn’t hear the bible very well without this thing I was starting to idolize called adderall. The line isn’t “he who doesn’t have adhd let him hear,” it’s “he who has ears let him hear,” and I have ears!

I ended up going off the adderall, for the most part, in January for various reasons, but I kept hearing God’s word just as loudly and clearly. I still felt the vibrance of “traumatic growth” but I knew I couldn’t be in that anymore.

Then I thought more closely about the first time it happened, back in January of 2015. I realized that I had also been reading the bible with my ears and heart wide open to really get to know God as a person.

I had been awake. And then I fell asleep. I don’t know if I believe any of this actually has to do with this Ted Talk idea of “traumatic growth” after all.

I think it’s just what Jesus says over and over “He who has ears let him hear” and “stay awake! Stay awake! Stay awake!”

But it is so easy to fall asleep. I’ve been a follower of Jesus my whole life, but I think I’ve been ‘asleep’ for most of it.

I’m awake for now, but I don’t know how long I can keep my eyes open.

Proverbs is a book I read almost every night, and the guy who wrote that was wide awake as he wrote, but he fell asleep in the end.

It is so easy to get distracted by the ways of the world and fall asleep.

But I’m going to keep making these pieces for as long as I can to keep me awake. They’re my chocolate covered coffee beans for this spiritual roadtrip that I’m on.

I’m hoping that if I keep this up, my eyes will stay open with the reminder keep getting to know God with my ears and heart all the way open.

I am alive in Christ.

Soli Deo gloria!

So that was my presentation. I was pretty nervous giving it, but I’m really glad I did. I think this is very important.

I went to bed that night, planning to wake up the next day for an early morning group devotional.

In the morning, as I slept, a remote control car drove into my room and ran into the radiator. I jerked awake to see that the car was not actually there, but it was exactly 7:00am, time for the devotion, and I had not set my alarm. (This was weird for a lot of reasons. I am a very heavy sleeper and it is not often that I simply jerk awake in bed.)

So I quickly got dressed and ran up the hallway to see a small group of other CIVA members waiting for the devotion leader. I told my new friend Randy Heffner that I was excited for the meditation because God woke me up for this. We all waited for several minutes and then decided to do our own individual devotions, because it looked like our host was not coming. I thought, “but God woke me up for this”.

I had packed a book of simple Bach tunes and my flute for the retreat. But I hadn’t found a good opportunity to use them, and this was the last day of the retreat. So I decided to go play music out in nature for some morning worship. I set up the music on a stump and began as another new friend, Michelle Arnold Paine, walked a labyrinth meditation, rosary in hand, nearby.

I played through most of the pieces. When I got to the last piece, Sleepers ‘Wake, everything came together. This has always been one of my favorite Bach pieces and maybe the one that led me to play flute.

I had been calling all of these new pieces Failure, which never quite fit. I realized now, that they are actually called Sleepers Awake. The symbolism has also shifted. The bottom part is a person, asleep, and the top part is a person awake. The empty space, where my heart stopped, is still important, I believe, because it often takes a spiritual slap in the face to wake back up to God again. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

My hope is that working through these pieces will keep me awake. Or remind me to wake up, by always searching for and listening to God.

Sleepers ‘wake XXXVIII

February ‘23, Pencil, Pastel, Marker and Gold Calligraphy Ink, 6” x 9”

I created this Sleepers ‘Wake in correlation with a piece of music written by my dad, Leonard Payton. In January, I arranged a new setting, heavily inspired by Michael E. Owens (weblink). While working through the arrangement, I found myself having difficulty sleeping as I wrote a dance, of sorts, that followed the music. The dance was not performed by people though. It was performed by pencil, pastel, marker, and brush strokes in collaboration with symbolism. One day I will write more on the symbolism here, but for now, you can listen to the song and see the dance on my music tab (weblink).

Sleepers ‘wake L - A Lost Sheep, Found

April ‘23, 5” x 7”
Colored Pencil, Gold Calligraphy Ink, Thread, Black Pen, and Trashcan Particles

End Note - April 2023

Yes, it says “trashcan particles.” 

I threw this piece in a trashcan in a hotel in Ohio. Many of the colorful triangles were visible along the bottom, but the rest, of what you see now, had not yet appeared. It was not speaking to me, so I threw it away. I had never thrown away a Sleepers ‘wake. Not even a sketch. I don’t do sketches of them, with the exception of a few practice rounds for the dance of Sleepers ‘wake XXXVIII. 

SLEEPERS ‘WAKE CHAPTER 2

SLEEPERS ‘WAKE CHAPTER 3

SLEEPERS ‘WAKE CHAPTER 4

SLEEPERS ‘WAKE CHAPTER 5

SLEEPERS ‘WAKE CHAPTER 6