02/13/24

I started the new year fresh and bright, as we do. I decided to start memorizing all the bible verses that address staying awake. So I began with Psalm 13:3; “Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death.” It seemed a little dark to me, this person who was excited for such a new and fresh start to the year. But I picked it up and, fairly diligently, began creating a new Sleepers ‘wake every morning during my devotion time, while also working to memorize this verse. 

I had a great first two days. And then things got very dark for me. The baby that I lost in May was due on January 3rd. As that day came and went, I began to spiral. The grief of my two lost children hit me harder than it had before. 

The world was also literally dark. The sun barely came out for the whole month. I don’t often fall into depression. Anxiety is usually where I live. But I ended up experiencing maybe a three week, deep depression. I fought it pretty hard though. In the past, I didn’t know that I could fight a depression. I thought it had complete control over me, and I just had to basically wait it out. But it turns out, you can actually choose to stand up and do the dishes. And you can actually say no to the sad lies that threaten to enter into your worldview through the cracks in your broken soul. But it is a legitimate battle, so when you choose to fight, be proud of yourself, no matter how mundane or invisible it looks to outsiders. I would understand how hard you’re fighting and I would be proud of you. And so would a lot of people.

I was able to fight my depression with the help of God. On January 1st, when I decided to start memorizing Psalm 13:3, it felt like a random choice. But I don’t know what the month would have looked like for me if I wasn’t meditating on it daily. I imagine I would still be depressed right now and I would not be able to write this, or anything, for that matter. 

04/3/24

Several years ago, I curated an exhibition called Negative. I wrote a book to accompany the artwork. In chapter four, I reflected on the experience of a mind ruminating darkly and quickly into the sleepless night. I observed that those of us who experience dark and obsessive ruminations, can, on the rare occasion that the ruminations are silent, experience rushing and flying thoughts of creativity and joy. When I considered how those thoughts would look, I imagined them looking like a murmuration. A murmuration is when a large flock of birds fly and swoop all together in and around the same piece of sky. 

When creative and inspiring thoughts fly and swoop all together in and around the same mind, it is glorious. It is basically the inversion of a dark rumination. 

After writing that reflection, my rumination habits changed greatly. I no longer did them at night. And they became much softer during the day. I was able to see them more closely and was thus able to fight them more proactively. 

This past January, during my depression, God gave me Psalm 13:3 to fight the dark ruminations rushing in. They were back with a vengeance. I was so sad. I wished so deeply that I could be holding the baby that I had lost, or at least still carrying the second one, also lost. There were no answers to the questions about why I had lost them. Only lies that tried to answer the questions. These lies would circle and swirl and make me sad and angry about things that were not real. 

But, with the help of God, I fought hard. As I cycled the words, “consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,” over and over, they were like a great wall against the tidal wave of dark ruminations.

On the other side of the wall, my mind started to murmurate with the text. I wasn’t feeling great joy or creativity, as I had initially imagined was a requirement for murmurations. Instead, I was using the murmuration as a weapon to fight against the ruminations. 

The result was a piece of music that I composed for Christina Schempf and Pastor Paul Gaschler to sing with me in our church, Holy Cross. We sang it during a Sunday in Lent. If you aren’t familiar with Lent, it is the season when we meditate on the temptation that Jesus experienced during His 40 days of fasting in the desert. Jesus knew the bible really well. As I was struggling with my temptations to ruminate, I imagined that Jesus most likely had Psalm 13:3 in His mind at points during His temptations in the desert. So we sang it in church, in honor of His faithfulness to us, as He fought real and hard temptations. 

I was working to share this chapter, and this piece during Lent a few weeks ago. I thought it may be too grim to meditate on during Easter. But the timing didn’t work out, as we are now four days into the season of Easter.

Six days ago, on Good Friday, my sweet 10-year-old nephew, Roman Heath, passed away. He died, most likely, due to health complications that he’d been battling his whole life. It was wrong. It was wrong for Roman to die. I have a lot of new questions that could lead to dark ruminations, but my hope is in Jesus.

It’s wrong for people to die. God did not create this world for people to die. It was wrong that my two miscarried babies died, and it was wrong that Roman died. And it was the most wrong that Jesus died. But He did it. He died, on purpose, so that after we all die too one day, we will wake up. And we will be alive with Him forever. And we will never die again.

He is risen. He is risen indeed, alleluia!

“But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep.”

1 Corinthians 15:20

The other day I was on the highway while the sun was setting. 

I asked God, “but how are we supposed to stay awake when it gets so dark?”

- - -

He said, “it never gets all the way dark, just follow the son set.”