Here is a photo of a fire hydrant at the Concordia Seminary in St. Louis, MO.
1/28/22
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This morning in the kitchen I dropped something three times as I was trying to put it away. When I finally put it away, I moved on with my life.
Five minutes later, I tried to stuff something into the cupboard that wouldn't quite fit, it never did quite fit, but I moved on with my life.
Ten minutes later, I went into the laundry room and found that the laundry that I had almost started yesterday (soap in and all) had never actually been started. I started it and moved on with my life.
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In July I officially got diagnosed with adhd. My husband and counselor both identified that the adhd could be the cause of my high anxiety.
They both agreed that going on medication may be a helpful crutch for my brain as it grows and heals from the anxiety. I didn't want to go on it for a lot of reasons, that I have since discovered a lot of people relate to.
Since September, I've been on adderall. Within an hour of being on it, my high anxiety had just vanished.
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If I had not been diagnosed and currently medicated, this is how the morning might have gone on a bad day:
This morning in the kitchen I dropped something three times as I was trying to put it away. I finally just threw it on the floor and a loud voice screamed into my head, "you can't do anything and you are worthless". Then I may have then been flushed with cortisol that began a whirling sensation through my veins that potentially charged my actions with fear and anger for the rest of the day.
Five minutes later, I tried to stuff something into the cupboard that wouldn't quite fit, it never did quite fit. I slammed the cupboard door shut. Let out a small growl/scream (some people who have worked or lived with me know what that sounds like lol). Thought angry thoughts about how my husband doesn't follow a good system for pantry organization. And a loud voice screamed into my head, "you can't do anything and you are worthless". Then a new bolus of cortisol was maybe released from my adrenal gland and added to the high volume that was already teaming through me. Like a raging river.
Ten minutes later, I went into the laundry room and found that the laundry that I had almost started yesterday (soap in and all) had never actually been started. At this point, I just crumpled onto the floor on my knees and tucked my whole body into itself and cried. I cried and cried and hoped that my husband wouldn't hear me, but also hoped that he would. And the whole time, my mind whirled with the repeated thought "you are worthless you are worthless you are worthless you are worthless". And the hurricane of cortisol tried to rip through my veins.
Then for the rest of the day, I could hardly move except to display confused anger and no one could understand why, especially me.
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I'm not writing this for responses. I don't really want anyone to like it or comment. (I'm learning about the imbalanced dopamine of a person with adhd and I don't think the little response and comment notifications are healthy forms of dopamine for me). You can send me a private message if you want to discuss it further or have any questions. But don't do it because you feel like I need that encouragement. I'm writing this for other people. Not for me. I don't need empathy on this right now partially because I'm medicated but also because I know that God gives me all the empathy that I need.
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There are four different types of people who will read this and I'm writing it for all of you.
1) The first type of person is the one who relates. If you relate to this, you may have anxiety and you would probably be very happy if you sought counseling. I would specifically recommend someone who deals with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If you related to it, but you already have counseling, perhaps look deeper to see if you can find where your anxiety is coming from, and look into treatment for that. I've been going to counseling for anxiety for almost 10 years now but we only just discovered that it was stemming from adhd.
2) The second type of person is the one who understands this a little because they've seen it on the outside coming from someone they care about. If this is you, maybe do some research on anxiety and depression and see if you can lovingly and bravely encourage your loved one into counseling and treatment.
3) The third type of person is the one who doesn't understand any of this at all. It's important for us to hear about deep and difficult issues that other people are going through from time to time. It helps us to understand that even though we don't really get how that person's brain works, we can see that it works differently than our own. This allows for much more grace and empathy on a regular basis when interacting with everyone.
4) The fourth type of person is the one who is in training for or already offers aid to those experiencing mental health difficulties. I just want to say thank you. Your work is very important and people like me really really appreciate you. Maybe I'll go write my counselors and pastors a thank you card today : )
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Cognitive distortion credit:
"You can't do anything"
Cognitive distortion : overgeneralizing
"You are worthless"
Cognitive distortion : labeling
angry thoughts about how my husband doesn't follow a good system for pantry organization
Cognitive distortion : blaming
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