I didn’t know this family. But my mom whispered to me that they have four kids, one of which is a baby. I have a baby. She is 15 months old. Life at home with a baby is hard and somewhat traumatic. It is a constant, nonstop inner battle for a mother to stay calm and patient with her family members. My heart went out to the whole family. I couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain they must all be experiencing as they relived the visuals in their memories.

I wanted to do something for them. I had only just recently come to believe that some people legitimately find joy in my art. So I had to make them something, with the genuine hope that it would shine a small ray of light in their present darkness. The artist inside of me was screaming to be let out to punch that darkness in the face!

The concept was immediately clear in my mind. It had been forming slowly since my church’s Ascension service in May when my pastor had told an astonishing and also true story.

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There had been a school shooting, in Idaho, that month. It was a 6th grade girl. There was a mother present, who also happened to be one of the school’s math teachers. She heard several shots and then saw a girl holding a gun. The girl seemed stunned. The mother, Krista, approached her gently. She asked the girl, "Are you the shooter?" and then walked closer, putting her hand on the child's arm and sliding it down to the gun. Then the mother slowly pulled the gun out of the girl’s hand.

Later in an interview Krista said, "and then after I got the gun, I just pulled her into a hug because I thought, this little girl has a mom somewhere that doesn't realize she's having a breakdown and she's hurting people."

Ms. Gneiting said she held the girl, consoling her until police arrived.

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The reason this story came to mind as I learned of this new terrible event, was because when I heard about the Waukesha parade, all I could think of was darkness and tragedy. I was filled with it even though I wasn’t even there. I still cry when I think about it. But it wasn’t the man’s fault. The man that killed those people and hurt all of those others physically and mentally. It wasn’t his fault. He lives in a world that is filled with darkness and sin and the devil. It’s their fault. It is the devil’s fault (Ephesians 6:12). And that is why I was so filled with darkness. The devil was using this man and this story to spread fear and pain across an already ramshackled-by-a-worldwide-pandemic world.

When we got home from the service, we discussed the parade a little. I learned that the family they knew was there with their aunt, who happened to be a nurse. She was able to offer emergency medical attention immediately. Just hearing that detail and adding it to the visuals in my vivid imaginative recreation of the day lifted an entire layer of the darkness from my heart.

I couldn’t help but ask if we knew the driver’s motives. At first my parents said they didn’t know. Then my dad began to search the internet. He first found something saying that the man was just trying to get away from the police, and the parade route was the only way to go. That lifted a little bit of darkness from my heart. I’m not quite sure why at the moment, but knowing that he didn’t decide to go kill those people made the whole ordeal seem slightly less horrific. Then my dad found something else that quoted the man stating something about why he did it on purpose. All of the darkness that had been lifted since the start of the conversation returned and it brought all of its friends and family with it this time.

I said, “we can’t talk about that. We should not tell people about that. We are just spreading the fear. We should only talk about the nurse.”

I think at this point, you probably understand why I said that.

I was hesitant to even write it down here, but I think that it’s important to reflect on these things. Notice when the layers of darkness cascade over your heart. Then notice the things that cast light on the darkness. Focus on those things. Tell people about those things. Don’t spread the horror of the terrible things that happen. Spread the joy of the beautiful and loving things that happen.

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I wish someone had been able to get to that man just before the parade and give him a hug. He has a mom somewhere that didn’t realize he was having a breakdown and was hurting people. I haven’t looked into his story at all since Thanksgiving day and I don’t know if I will. I have difficulty fighting against the darkness myself. But I hope someone has given him a hug since it happened. He went through a torrential inner battle and he lost. He must feel utterly vanquished and alone.

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If you look at the piece, you’ll see several different symbols. I’m a graphic designer and a thinker, so symbolism often plays a part in my work. The black burr-like objects flowing off the right of the piece are cognitive distortions. A cognitive distortion is “an exaggerated pattern of thought that’s not based on facts. It consequently leads you to view things more negatively than they really are.” (psychcentral.com)

They show up in a lot of my work because they show up in a lot of my brain. They often look like burrs because cognitive distortions act a lot like burrs. You’re just walking along, minding your own business, and without knowing it, you collect a burr on your pants. You keep walking and the burrs begin to cling more and more. The more burrs you have, the more burrs you get. But you’ll never know that you have them until it’s time to wash your pants. By then, it’s a lot of work to get them out. The problem with the burrs on your brain is that your brain doesn’t have pants. So you can’t routinely take your brain-pants off to notice the burrs when it’s time to wash them. They’re just stuck right into your brain. So unless someone bravely and lovingly points out the burrs to you, or gives you the tools to regularly check for them, you may never know they’re there.

I don’t know anything about this sixth grade girl in Idaho who injured a few classmates. But I can say with 99% confidence that she was dragged into school that day by her cognitive distortions. They coursed through her arm and leapt to the end of her trigger finger to assign each bullet its destination. Then the distortions jumped onto the bullet, rode it through the air getting stronger and stronger with fear and darkness and hate. Then as each bullet hit another person, the cognitive distortions became giant monsters exploding into the hearts and minds of everyone present in the school that day and everyone who heard the news story of a sixth grade girl who brought a gun to school.

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When my pastor told the story of the girl in Idaho, he gave us just enough information to set up what happened before he told us the good part. I only felt a small twinge of horror and darkness when I heard the age of the girl, just before he calmed my growing storm with a mostly peaceful resolution to the story. And then I was shining brighter than before. And there is a light that has stayed lit in my heart ever since I heard it. It keeps any new darkness at least a little dimmer.

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The red flame above the girl’s head is alluding to a similar shape created by Delro Rosco in his piece titled, The Voice that Beckons.

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This piece is titled, The Hug.

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“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’” - Mr. Rogers

"And then after I got the gun, I just pulled her into a hug because I thought, this little girl has a mom somewhere that doesn't realize she's having a breakdown and she's hurting people." - Krista Gneiting

“And in my best behavior I am really just like him. Look beneath the floor boards for the secrets I have hid.” - Sufjan Stevens, John Wayne Gacy, Jr.

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” - Ephesians 6:12

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List of Cognitive Distortions

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1 John 1:5 “This is the message we have heard from Him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all.”

John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

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Happy Advent everyone.

Proverbs 15:13 “A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed.”

Proverbs 15:30 “The light of the eyes rejoices the heart, and good news refreshes the bones.”